The First Time Is Always Scary, Mom

Standing in the bathroom, primping for work, fiddling with my wig, I realized I did not want to wear it, but was very apprehensive to walk out the door without my security blanket. I have recently been around family and a few friends headgear-free and even made a trip to Target and the mall where no one knew me or cared. But to walk through the doors of work seemed somewhat daunting. I'm still sensitive about this head, even to the point where I wanted to cry sitting at the salon watching my sister and nieces get the cutest haircuts this weekend. I wondered what everybody in that salon thought of MY hair. I know that sounds really self absorbed. But I wondered if people look at me and think, "Aw that poor woman has cancer". Maybe it is because I have gotten away with looking fairly healthy over these past eight months and had successfully shocked most students when news of my wig broke a couple of months ago. Most people forget I am wearing one because it really is an awesome wig. But the best part is that I think it makes most people forget I had cancer. I blend in. Unfortunately this hairstyle puts that scarlet letter back on my chest. Outwardly, it does not look like much. So maybe people look at me and think I'm sick. They return my glances with a sad face or darting eye. With the wig, people don't do that. But, I truly am proud of my new hair. It's symbolic. Inwardly, I am Rapunzel.

So, I was putting on the wig in front of the mirror, taking it off, putting it back on, all while my son stood there watching me. I asked his advice. "What do you think, buddy, can Mom go to work today without her wig? It will be my first time." He said, "The first time is always scary, Mom, but then it's ok. Remember when I went head first on a sled for the first time? I was scared, but I did it and now I'm good. And if anyone laughs at you, just report them to me." I knew he was right. I knew I just had to do it. But even as I got in the car and started driving I felt so naked, so exposed. I took Ethan's advice and went head first into work. It was ok. Nobody laughed. Nobody to report.