Time

I used to look forward to "alone time" or "mommy time", but today I just find myself alone with too much time. I'd like some "family time". I want to keep them close by, watch them wrestle , listen to them laugh, hold them every minute of every day. It's been two weeks since I found out cancer is back for a third time and now time has become even more precious. It's all about time. Time to put on a smile, so no one feels sad. Time to ask family and friends to pray for a miracle. Time to get my gloves back on and fight like hell. Most importantly, time to protect my son from this news for as long as possible. There's never a right time. Until then, we will continue with "Lego time", "dancing in the kitchen time", and "snuggle time" . . . my favorite time.

Positively Negative?

It's hypocritical to write in a blog I purposely titled "positiveforbreastcancer" two years ago when I have not been feeling very positive over the last few months. The honest truth is this recurrence has left me feeling negative just like the triple negative breast cancer that has invaded my lymph nodes and tried to infiltrate my sternum. It is hard to find positivity when I know what I am up against this time around. It has been a much more emotional diagnosis. A much more private one. That is, until I heard from Janet. I haven't seen or spoken to Janet, the super intelligent, friendly, spitfire-of-a-gal who lived across the hall from me at Stony Brook, in about 25 years. Today she made me feel like writing again. Any cancer diagnosis sucks. A cancer recurrence sucks twice as much. It's like you lost the phone-a-friend question in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and all your lives have been sucked up. You've got to make the decision that you know could cost you. That's about where I am. Allow me to back track a bit. Thanks to God, I've had a successful surgery that removed all the cancer. I am currently undergoing radiation. Next step, Boston's Dana Farber Cancer Institute to hear about why three different doctors there feel three different ways about my chemo treatment. It's one of those situations where chemo will be used to possibly catch any of those nasty microscopic cancer cells that still may be floating around my body waiting to pounce. Key word: possibly. But that is very negative of me . . . or is it? I have always been a realist. Practical. I need to know all angles even if they are sharp. I do believe I am tough. Clearly, God made me this way for a reason. I so foolishly thought all of my prayers every single night since I was first diagnosed went unheard, unanswered. But I am practical and a realist. I know God answers prayers in His own time. He was still trying to teach me something. And thankfully, He has surrounded me with my absolute gold medal support team in every area of my life. Luckily, it is tough to be negative when surrounded by such positivity.