My bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction is now about six weeks behind me and I'm not sure I made the right decision. The pain from surgery wasn't as bad as I expected, the fluid draining from my body into mini turkey basters wasn't as bad as I expected and the time out of commission wasn't as bad as I expected, but I don't think I was prepared for the emotional detachment from these new space invaders. I am wondering if these lumpy, stiff blobs of silicone will ever really feel like a part of my body. Should I have chosen to forgo the implants? Some days that answer is "yes". Currently when I look at them, completely lined with scars of this disease and nipple-free, I question my desire to even consider nipples in the future. I don't know if it is because I do not care about them enough to give them nipples, which apparently can be fashioned three different ways depending on what I prefer, or if I just need to move on. I was never a fan of nipples in the first place. They can be a source of irritation and embarrassment at the wrong time. And never did I really find them to be a source of pleasure. I would have rather had someone put his finger in my bellybutton, which irritates me just as much, than to have had my nipples touched! Anyway, I am leaning towards leaving them the way they are. The scars and the lack of nipples reflect the journey. I'd rather be reminded of the journey than reminded of my breasts.
