Deja Vu

What a familiar place I've been in over the last week. One day after rejoicing in my one year milestone, I was lying on the doctor's office table having another biopsy. A small lump appeared a couple of months ago. Yes, even after your breast tissue has been removed, you can still get breast cancer. I sat next to a woman during my 3rd chemo treatment who spoke openly about being there for her second go around just months after completing her first. Her story rang in head for the past week as I waited for the results. I timidly watched my videotaped testimony in church Sunday wondering if I was going to let all those people down when they found out I was having a recurrence. I was scared that after sharing with them how God had healed me they would lose faith in Him if they knew I wasn't really healed. That was the worst thought. I prayed for those people. So I waited. And wondered. How will my husband handle this news again? He stoically made it through one bout, how would another weigh on him emotionally? And I waited. How will I explain this to my son, who anytime he hears me talk about cancer will follow up with, "But Mom, you don't have that anymore, right?" Always looking for that reassurance. And I waited. How will my mom and dad carry the guilt and pain that they shoulder and that I am not ready to fake-comfort? My mind has raced through my prayers and anxiety. I have filled my days consuming myself with work and friends and family to fight off the worry and have tossed and turned for five nights.

Finally, tonight I can sleep . . . Benign!