My bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction is now about six weeks behind me and I'm not sure I made the right decision. The pain from surgery wasn't as bad as I expected, the fluid draining from my body into mini turkey basters wasn't as bad as I expected and the time out of commission wasn't as bad as I expected, but I don't think I was prepared for the emotional detachment from these new space invaders. I am wondering if these lumpy, stiff blobs of silicone will ever really feel like a part of my body. Should I have chosen to forgo the implants? Some days that answer is "yes". Currently when I look at them, completely lined with scars of this disease and nipple-free, I question my desire to even consider nipples in the future. I don't know if it is because I do not care about them enough to give them nipples, which apparently can be fashioned three different ways depending on what I prefer, or if I just need to move on. I was never a fan of nipples in the first place. They can be a source of irritation and embarrassment at the wrong time. And never did I really find them to be a source of pleasure. I would have rather had someone put his finger in my bellybutton, which irritates me just as much, than to have had my nipples touched! Anyway, I am leaning towards leaving them the way they are. The scars and the lack of nipples reflect the journey. I'd rather be reminded of the journey than reminded of my breasts.
My dear sweet Toni,
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful with or without nipples. You are wonderful and an inspiration with our without boobs at all. Just remember, you are now the driver in this part of your journey. Do what makes you feel like YOU and nothing else. Besides I am sure those boobs of yours aren't going anywhere. You can have nipples any time you want, and although they may be a pain now just wait until spring when you can put on that cute little sundress and feel like a million bucks. I am soooo much older than you so I here is my wisdom filled advice:Any change is difficult because we are creatures of habit. It can be a change in our lifestyle or a change in the body we live in but once we go through the door it is easier to look at the situation. So go slow take your time and think about what makes you the happiest you can be. You deserve it. Happy 2011 It will be a great year for you. Much love g
Take time to ponder and make your own choice. The scars will fade, some may fade a lot, some may not. (I have both kinds) These new "invaders" will never feel like your true body but you will get used to them and accept them in time. Mine do not feel like breasts but they are a part of me and my journey. At times I see them as perks, pun intended. I have a figure that I didn't have before and will have it while my sisters' sag. I like being able to live braless, I have earned that. So have you. It is one comfort that had a high price tag.
ReplyDeleteI started the process for nipples but after one failed transplant of two, I chose to remove the successful one and remain nipple-less. I prefer the profile, or should I say lack of a profile where nipples are concerned. I do recommend the tattoo process, Though mine was too faint and I had to cancel the redo appointment. (I have considered having it redone after over 10 years but probably won't now. That is one thing I wish I had followed up on.
I wish I could say that this reconstruction will look and feel like the real thing in no time but that is not true. It is a blessing that we have this option to bring a bit of normalcy to our appearance. They are more normal than artificial ones, more convenient, and hey, my honey likes them. 8-) I'll keep them.
But this is your decision. Just take some time to decide for yourself and your love. I am sure that your honey is prob like mine and wants only what you want.
You have my support for whatever you choose. Pray about it and He will show you the choice.
hugs
Thank you ladies! YOu are both so wonderful to me! So full of the best advice and such support! I love you both!
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