There Is Light In The Darkness

Where do I begin? In the year since I last posted, life has taken quite a turn. Cancer has really messed with me: 1. Lymphedema and cancer in the lymph nodes involving my left arm have caused me to become paralyzed basically from my elbow down to fingertips. I am unable to move any part of my hand. Try not using your arm for an hour and realize just how much we take the simplest things for granted. Try opening a can, putting on a shirt, driving, giving a good hug . . . 2. Many failed treatments are leaving me with fewer and fewer options. Every chemotherapy and clinical trial drugs have different side effects to get used to. It takes the body a while to adjust. Then, just when you think you've got a handle on it, scans show growth and it is time to move on to the next drug. 3. Being told I shouldn't go back to work due to the cancer drug effects, constant changes, and amount of pain medication. This has been devastating. I love my career. I love the students I teach. And I love my colleagues. Sitting home when I know I should be at work is beyond difficult. 4. Here's the kicker . . . being told you probably have about six months to a year before cancer takes over. This has obviously been the hardest pill to swallow (no pun intended). It is news that is undigestible. This news keeps me from functioning normally because I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. How is one supposed to act? It is surreal to live in a world where everyone is going about his life normally while my life has become completely abnormal. So I've done the obvious: organized pictures, documented all the usernames and passwords, caught up on letters to Bob and Ethan, written instructions on things only a mother would know for Bob, cried a lot, prayed even more. So this is where I've been. But make no mistake, I have not given up. I truly have faith that God will intervene. My son recently asked why God hasn't answered our prayers about getting rid of my cancer. This one hit me hard. I told him He has answered our prayers in so many ways over the last nearly six years. He answered them in ways we never expected. We may not always understand the ways He is answering our prayers and the answer may not always be what we expect, but someday we will look back and it will make sense. We just have to keep trusting that God is in control. I see this even as other doors are opening with treatments. I will continue to see the light through the darkness while I am still here making memories with my family and friends. I simply ask for you continue to pray for me and my family. There is nothing more powerful and more comforting than knowing people are taking the time to pray for us.