In Loving Memory . . .

I took this picture almost three years ago. It was an "Adventure Friday" summer day with Ethan. The adventure of the week was hitting mom's old stomping grounds. First stop: Rosendale Elementary School to what I referred to as "The Most Awesome Wooden Playground ever!" Only, to my surprise, upon turning into the school, it was gone. Major letdown. However, my disappointment was quickly replaced with joy at what stood in its place . . . The Awesomest Playground EVER! We both gasped at the most incredible display to ever grace school grounds! Ethan speedily ran ahead to sample the mini Disney World. My feet were greeted by a brick walkway with various names of families who probably donated large sums of money to build this wonderland. One name, however, stood out. Joan Keating. Not just Joan Keating, but "In Loving Memory" of her. Instantly, a wave of sadness soared through my body and my mind flashed back. 1982: As an awkward 7th grader with large circular-framed, tinted glasses that donned my initials in the lower left-hand corner, I decided to give Pop Warner cheerleading a try. I remember being in awe when three older high school girls walked in to help coach this Junior Midget. Joan Keating was one of those girls. Smiley. Peppy. Sweet. Vibrant. Beautiful. Joan Keating was the cheerleader I hoped to be when I got to high school. Only, I did not continue to pursue cheerleading after that year. I was bad at it. But Joan Keating left an impression on me. When I was a freshman, she was a senior, and I was still in awe. I never "knew" her, but when I saw that brick on the walkway I "felt" her. I took the picture. I felt the need to know what happened to her, so I called some high school friends. I found out she died of cancer. A sad realization. It stuck with me. Just last week I came across this picture again and, I don't know why, but I felt a need to find out more. I googled her and found her obituary. She died of breast cancer. She left behind a husband, four children and a huge family ten years ago. She fought hard, no doubt with the spirit of world class cheerleader. In loving memory of a fellow Niskayuna Silver Warrior I will not soon forget.

Bucket List

Do a lot of people have bucket lists? I guess one could serve as a double edged sword. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of having lists. I am a list girl. I like the feeling of accomplishment. I am an accomplishments girl. But do I really want the pressure of achieving a random list of outlandish feats at a time when outlandish feats might be difficult to accomplish or is that the challenge I must put forth to myself? So I sat down to think of all the places I want to go, all the weird food I want to sample, and all famous people I want to meet. But my mind kept coming up blank. My husband always says he feels bad that we've never "done" anything, but I laugh because I think we've done a lot. No, we've never been out of the country. No, we've never taken up ballroom dancing. No, we've never been on The Amazing Race. But that's not the kind of girl I am. I am the girl whose favorite vacation growing up was a long weekend at Saratoga Lake in a rented, musty, mosquito-filled cabin with no television. It wasn't about the vacation, it was about having both my parents and my sister's undivided attention for those few days. It is truly my most favorite childhood memory. I am the girl who backed out of a Chicago trip with her six best friends from high school because my breaking heart wouldn't let me leave my six-month-old baby without his mother for a few days. I feared being in a plane crash. I feared selfishly leaving my family and not being able to return. I am the girl who gets anxiety when her husband and son are out for some dude-time because I feel left out and just want them to come home. And now I'm left with a jealous feeling that they will have their whole lives together and I will be left out. So this list is plaguing me. It should be grand! It should be make headlines! It should be featured on Ellen! Still drawing a blank. This is all I've got: My Bucket List 1. Go to Disney . . . this is actually in the works! 2. Renew my wedding vows for our 15th wedding anniversary this summer. 3. To Be Continued . . .

Time

I used to look forward to "alone time" or "mommy time", but today I just find myself alone with too much time. I'd like some "family time". I want to keep them close by, watch them wrestle , listen to them laugh, hold them every minute of every day. It's been two weeks since I found out cancer is back for a third time and now time has become even more precious. It's all about time. Time to put on a smile, so no one feels sad. Time to ask family and friends to pray for a miracle. Time to get my gloves back on and fight like hell. Most importantly, time to protect my son from this news for as long as possible. There's never a right time. Until then, we will continue with "Lego time", "dancing in the kitchen time", and "snuggle time" . . . my favorite time.

Positively Negative?

It's hypocritical to write in a blog I purposely titled "positiveforbreastcancer" two years ago when I have not been feeling very positive over the last few months. The honest truth is this recurrence has left me feeling negative just like the triple negative breast cancer that has invaded my lymph nodes and tried to infiltrate my sternum. It is hard to find positivity when I know what I am up against this time around. It has been a much more emotional diagnosis. A much more private one. That is, until I heard from Janet. I haven't seen or spoken to Janet, the super intelligent, friendly, spitfire-of-a-gal who lived across the hall from me at Stony Brook, in about 25 years. Today she made me feel like writing again. Any cancer diagnosis sucks. A cancer recurrence sucks twice as much. It's like you lost the phone-a-friend question in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and all your lives have been sucked up. You've got to make the decision that you know could cost you. That's about where I am. Allow me to back track a bit. Thanks to God, I've had a successful surgery that removed all the cancer. I am currently undergoing radiation. Next step, Boston's Dana Farber Cancer Institute to hear about why three different doctors there feel three different ways about my chemo treatment. It's one of those situations where chemo will be used to possibly catch any of those nasty microscopic cancer cells that still may be floating around my body waiting to pounce. Key word: possibly. But that is very negative of me . . . or is it? I have always been a realist. Practical. I need to know all angles even if they are sharp. I do believe I am tough. Clearly, God made me this way for a reason. I so foolishly thought all of my prayers every single night since I was first diagnosed went unheard, unanswered. But I am practical and a realist. I know God answers prayers in His own time. He was still trying to teach me something. And thankfully, He has surrounded me with my absolute gold medal support team in every area of my life. Luckily, it is tough to be negative when surrounded by such positivity.

Me, Just Slower

A year ago my muscles didn't work. I wrote about not being able to run 200 yards. A year ago I was winded walking up the stairs. Today I ran 3.2 miles in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. What an invigorating feeling to have come such a long way. Today I felt like I had finally come full circle. That I am back to my old self. Ok, maybe a little slower version of myself. But it still feels great. This is not a cause I will ever abandon. It will continue to be on my mind every single day, no matter how good I feel.

Thank you for supporting me over the last 17 months!

Deja Vu

What a familiar place I've been in over the last week. One day after rejoicing in my one year milestone, I was lying on the doctor's office table having another biopsy. A small lump appeared a couple of months ago. Yes, even after your breast tissue has been removed, you can still get breast cancer. I sat next to a woman during my 3rd chemo treatment who spoke openly about being there for her second go around just months after completing her first. Her story rang in head for the past week as I waited for the results. I timidly watched my videotaped testimony in church Sunday wondering if I was going to let all those people down when they found out I was having a recurrence. I was scared that after sharing with them how God had healed me they would lose faith in Him if they knew I wasn't really healed. That was the worst thought. I prayed for those people. So I waited. And wondered. How will my husband handle this news again? He stoically made it through one bout, how would another weigh on him emotionally? And I waited. How will I explain this to my son, who anytime he hears me talk about cancer will follow up with, "But Mom, you don't have that anymore, right?" Always looking for that reassurance. And I waited. How will my mom and dad carry the guilt and pain that they shoulder and that I am not ready to fake-comfort? My mind has raced through my prayers and anxiety. I have filled my days consuming myself with work and friends and family to fight off the worry and have tossed and turned for five nights.

Finally, tonight I can sleep . . . Benign!

Happy Anniversary

My cancer goody bag is one year old. A friend just said to me, "Well, that is not a happy anniversary." I disagree.